I’d like to go home now.

i’m so homesick. 

5 years ago i moved here and hoarded a world of hate for this place. I assumed I’d get the fuck over myself and just hit the books and head home when this hell was over. 

But it never ends, the mountainloads of crap that seem to happen to me here, all the shit that I unnecessarily have to deal with. 

I’m done. I hope that the year ends faster and i can finally just pack my bags jump on my car and drive home. I never want to look back at this place, i never want to come back. there is nothing here to hold me back. 

I have no reason to stay here. 

and I plan to keep it that way. 

Trying to make your parents happy is life… its what we get for being asian. So many of us know that we need to succeed in determined fields of life and become professionals in certain areas. 

Many of us cave and listen, many of us just do as were told cause were tired of the fight. Many of us realise that in the end we do what we do cause we actually care.

Its understandable if one wants to put their happiness first. We’re human, its how we roll and how we live our lives. Because putting ourselves last.. theoretically does sound best.. but is the most impractical.

I decided to do as the rest do. I just do as im told and be the asian kid doing what they do because they don’t know what else to do.. but we have our parents best interest at heart, and that keeps us going.

Some take the other, they fight (which in another person’s mindset seems to be the most logical) … but they havent just sat through what i have.

in 24 hours i’ve seen this person… scream and yell at her parents through the phone… her parents being the traditionalists they are, refuse to listen, and want her to do as us asians do. Stay silent and just do as were told.

I’ve stood at both stand points… and I understand what each side wants.

But what i see is one side of the story.. and even as much as i feel i need to take her side because i know exactly what she means… what she says i don’t want to take word for word, because i know its not all true.

I have no anger or offence to what she has done.. i know what it feels like to always hold back what i feel and it drives you mad.

What PISSES THE FUCK OUT OF ME.. is that i’ve been letting her live here, assisting her pay for small things.. when i myself am having trouble just buying textbooks and  paying phone bills. and she spends her life chatting on FB. 

If you parents cut the money. And you ask me to help you find a job. 
FUCKING DO IT SERIOUSLY. don’t sit and chat all night and then ask me why i’m not helping, or ask me to find the answers to all her problems… I know i;m being a fucking cow right now… But in my life.. we don’t have people like that no one will help you out for everything…I had to learn how to do things on my own. I had no friends to help me when i felt like shit.. i delt with my problems alone… my friends smack sense into me and tell me to get over myself. 

I mean I gave you my spare phone. my spare sim card. my spare room. my spare keys.

I go to fucking uni to study and your checking in on fucking facebook eating out. Like understandable.. You want to fucking catch up and vent about how your parents fucked you over…

BUT IF YOU WANT THEM FOR MONEY…DONT FUCKING HAVE THEM CALL AND SCREAM.. you spent half a year away from this life drinking and partying away, you got to move away from this hell hole

I spent mine sucking it up getting the job i never wanted to get, moving to a new place. Doing it all on my own… my family were too busy and coouldnt get time off work. i had to settle on my own… I WAS LIVING THROUGH THE HELL THAT YOU GOT TO RUN AWAY FROM.

You wanted to ‘find yourself’ all you did was become the person who you used to be. You always complained about the other one….who didnt want to keep going that literally went crazy over it. You never helped her through her rough times… i drove her home as she contemplated telling her parents. and she did. and she managed to convinve them to let her do what she wanted so she could be happy. And now you want to know how she did it… you have no idea how miserable you made her…and how i had to play switzerland and tell her to ignore the crap you delt her. Everyone made her feel like crap.. she was isolated… she isolated herself. And sometimes i feel cheated.. i feel like I try to make you guys not so fucking crazy cause were all living away from home… but none of you have ever felt to consider how much crap ive been through here by myself. or the others… 

you want to be this ‘type’ of infividual.. consistently updating pictures of yourself on fb 24/7 and for what? to show that you are this person… Get your ass off FB

stop mooching on me and look after yourself.

I decided to grow up the past year.

i decdied to get the fuck off my high horse and just do what i need to do.

Because i realised i spent so much time feeling sorry for myself but i never did anything about it.

I planned to run away, to change degrees. to study something different on the side.

If you don’t do what you need to do to get to where you need to go.

Then fuck don’t fucking do it…talking and bitching gets you no where. LORD

i want so desperately to tell the dum fuck this.. but shes so messed right now i dont want her to jump off my fucking blacony.

your 25 for fucks sake. not 20… if you want to spend your days playing and drinking you better be able to stand it.

I mean… dont bite the fucking hand that feeds you… you spend like WTF $2k in a month … you payed no rent.. so where the fuck your money go? to your damn drinking habits.

But your the same.. you can play nice but your ‘type’ always fucks people like me over. I don’t know why i feel like i have to help… i have to care. 

i’m sick of being your last resort. 

this is it. 

I swear this has to be it… i need to stop helping you out because i feel like i need a friend. 

You irritate me… because your all full of shit. You talk talk talk…

AND WHEN I TELL YOU TO FUCKING STOP USING MY PHONE STOP. 

unlimited means phones calls. 
NOT INTERNET… Everyones gona make me out to be the bitch.

but you get free net out of me.

I dont charge the water you use

the electricity or the fuck you leave the fucking toilet running and balcony door open all day.

I don’t enjoy the idea of being robbed.

I feel so used right now… i dont know who the fuck told you about my spare room… 

my spare room is for family, the ones that help me live and stay alive. 

I want you to get the fuck out of here…

but what kind of human throws someone out who is homeless. 

I wish i was raised a worser person… a person who could tell people to fuck off even when they have nothing…

you can afford expensive makeup and boxes upon boxes of false eyelashes

but suddnely you cant afford to pay for the one thing you want to do.

your remind me of a child. the ones that pack their bags. say theyll leave and just sit at the fornt yard hoping someone will chase after you.  

i’m tired of living with you. 

I’m tired of you talking shit. 

the more time i spend with you… the more i become the person i had hated for so long… the one that cried for nights sobbing and screaming into her pillow. 

hating so much her life that she would do things that to this day.. i will never forget. I’ve done things that i never thought i would be capable of. and i’ve learnt that becoming that person.. does nothing. 

I’m not happier, i don’t feel better, and i get no where. 

i dont want to waste my life… 

I want to grow the fuck up and figure things out slowly. 

theres always time to do things later in life… theres always an opporttunity

I’m just tired of being in this rut with you. 

I dont want to think like that anymore

i spent such a long time trying to fix myself… just trying to put my priorities in check and telling myself why im here. 

I am tired

I do still hate my situation. 

But i know that i need to grow up. 

and so do you

your 25, and your still acting like me when i was 19. 

MURRAY better win the damn semi-finals

i got $35 riding on this game man.. stop DEUCING already!